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Guidelines on Touch, Respect and Leadership

Pastor George Byron Koch
 

As new folks come into the congregation, we need to occasionally review some of the standards of touch, respect, leadership, language and caution that help make this a very safe place. This is extraordinarily important, because we are a sanctuary for many who have been abused.

Resurrection is a “high-touch” church. It is a natural part of the care that we have for each other. Normal, friendly hugging, touching and kissing are central to the love and affection that characterizes our church family. Nothing said in these guidelines is meant to dampen these expressions of affection. It would be foolish, however, not to recognize that there are ways of touching, speaking, meeting and leading that are appropriate, and others that are not.

Further, there are individuals who appreciate and seek most any kind of appropriate touch, and others for whom this is uncomfortable or even frightening. It is very important, especially with new people at Resurrection, that we do not become overly familiar - hugging or kissing - unless obviously invited to do so. A warm handshake and a bright, genuine smile will touch people’s hearts, and are more appropriate when someone is new than a “familiar” hug or kiss. Some others - longer-term members of our congregation - do not welcome being hugged. This boundary is legitimate and should be respected. We shouldn’t push them to “get over it” and hug us because we think it will be good for them. We need to show respect.

Any inappropriate touch can have unholy consequences: It can leave a person feeling hurt, violated, disrespected, and fearful of even being in the Body of Christ. Even when unintended, the consequences can be profound, especially with people who have suffered physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

It is our responsibility - all of us - as ministers of Christ, and as members of His body, to be gentle and aware of our actions. And we must all be willingly accountable to each other, as we are to God.

So, if you see someone engaged in what might be perceived as inappropriate touch (or humor, language, look, forced closeness or intimacy - or any other behavior, for that matter), whether apparently intentional or unintentional, immediately take them aside and share your concerns in a caring but clear manner. This is a mutual accountability which we should each welcome. Also inform me, or someone else in leadership, right away.

Now to be clear, the goal here is not to produce a politically correct police state, with everyone informing on everyone, and feeling “watched” for the least little supposed impropriety. The goal here is to preserve the integrity and love in this body of Christ, and not let it be damaged or destroyed by anyone, in a position of leadership or not, whose actions are inappropriate and hurtful. We should expect inappropriate touch, language or action to be quite rare, but they should never go unnoticed or unattended to. This should be the safest place on earth.

In this light, here are some guidelines. Feel free to comment, correct, offer suggestions or additions. These guidelines are not intended to be exhaustive, but to provide direction:

• Avoid sexual jokes and sexual innuendo or humor.
• Avoid touching others between the waist and the knees with any part of your body. Do not touch women or girls on the chest.
• Do not kiss people on the lips. This is common in some societies, but not in ours, except within an immediate family. A kiss on the cheek is acceptable for people who invite it.
• Do not rub or caress in any way that might be perceived as erotic or overly familiar. This is not to prohibit giving someone a neck rub if they desire it and it is appropriately done. However, do not massage if you are laying hands on someone for prayer. It is confusing and distracting.
• Do not press your whole body close to someone during a hug, nor sustain the hug for more than a few seconds, nor squeeze so firmly that someone might feel trapped or constrained.
• Youth and Children’s Church leaders are not to invite any teenager or child to any outside event without explicit permission from the pastor and parents. If an emergency requires that you give a ride home to a teenager or child, make sure that the parents know in advance and approve, and that others in the church know that the ride is about to take place. Do not make any detours along the way; go straight to the child’s home, and make sure they are safely inside before leaving.
• See the separate document Privacy and Visibility for expectations and protections in place for meetings.

Background checks will be conducted for everyone in any official leadership role or working with children and teens. We want Resurrection to be the safest place on earth.

Any attempt to engage a minor in any sexual relationship will be reported immediately to the police.

Both youth and adult leaders should be genuine and natural, but always aware that their actions and words set an example that either brings glory or discredit to God. As believers in the Gospel, we respect and love each other regardless of age, race, gender, income, or national origin.

Immature, unchristian or inappropriate actions or words may result in removal from leadership. It is our love for God, and our care for each other, that should be the primary hallmarks of our ministry.

God is love. As the Body of Christ we are clearly called to express God’s love toward each other. Our society is so confused about love and eroticism that we must not allow anything to deepen that confusion.

Neither should we allow anything to inhibit genuine and appropriate touching, affection, prayer or counsel, especially with the deep care that members of Resurrection demonstrate for each other. If you are ever uncertain, ask this: “How would Jesus touch? How would Jesus counsel? How would Jesus lead? What would Jesus do?” Use Jesus as your guide.

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